Standstill

It has been four weeks, a month, since my father, Arnold, has passed away. My father didn't pass away from a long-term illness that had an expected timeline. He passed away from his comorbidities and Covid-19. He was hospitalized for 19 days and left this world on January 29th, 2022. Everything happened so fast and slow at the same time, it was a surreal feeling, obviously in a bad way. The panic attacks, anxiety and worries never went away, they just transitioned into a whole new compartment in my brain. From worrying about his daily update in the hospital to worrying about how he is no longer here physically. If you hadn't guessed by now, I am a believer of God, I am a Catholic. My parents instilled faith in my brothers and I. I am so grateful that I still practice my faith by going to church and daily prayers. If I didn't have my faith, I don't know how well I would've coped with this whole situation. Having faith has comforted my family and I in this most difficult time in our lives. 

Certain days are definitely harder than the others, today is one of them. I think it is because it has been four weeks without him. I don't even know how I'm going through each day, it feels as if the days are passing me by. I don't know how I can do my normal activities anymore. It feels wrong. How does a person, who has been consistently in your life, just disappear? He's my dad, he should've grown old with my mum, he should've walked me down the aisle to give me away to my future husband, he should be here to hold his first grandchild. The more I think about the future stuff he should be part of, my mind wanders to where his pain would have been. My dad was diagnosed with peripheral neuropathy back in the end of 2018 and beginning of 2019. In the last two years of his life, my dad's pain was uncontrollably getting worse and unfortunately my dad injured his achilles in the end of December last year. His quality of life was going downwards he thought and I'm thinking if he stayed another 5 years or so, I wonder how bad the pain would be. 

Although I have this logical side of me thinking he is no longer in pain, I cannot help go back to my selfish thoughts of wanting him to be here. I would give anything to have more time with him. An extra day, a week, a month or a year. I would have even sacrificing to make amends with him, just as long as he was still here because of the pain I see in my mother, his siblings, friends and of course my brothers. I want anything more in this world to talk to my dad in this life. However, this is life and this is where I am at right now. I feel I am in the middle and I feel so numb. The grief today is very strong.