New Lost

 I never thought this year could get any worse, lo and behold, it does. Not only did I lose my father but I also lost my life partner. We decided to end our relationship mutually because of what happened this year to our relationship. We were both hurting in ways that neither of us knew. We both unfortunately could not be there for one another and sadly we were growing apart before one of us could realize it. We didn't want to separate, we still in fact have so much love for each other, but in today's world, love does not sustain a relationship. Even though they try to advertise it in TV shows, ads and movies. When my partner and I were having our very last argument, something inside me wanted him to realize what went wrong and for him to also be on the side where I was, wanting to fix things. I didn't realize how off-tuned he was in regards of emotions. I didn't realize that the depths of his emotions could not meet mine, which lets be real, were far greater than his. He obviously knows this. 

I am not going to lie, breakups are a bitch. They suck and it is one of the worse things anyone could go through. It is not fun but breakups do force a person to grow and go beyond their limits. A breakup isn't linear, nothing is the same for everyone. I think the only thing that is the same is that everyone says a break up is painful and it hurts, especially when the breakup is mutual and amicable. I did not think that I was going to be here today writing this post about a breakup on this grieving blog. Not only am I grieving the lost of my father but I am grieving my relationship with my ex boyfriend. I am grieving that what if's, the could have's and our no more future. It is hard when you have someone in your corner for so long and whenever you turn to your corner they are no longer there. It feels like someone has taken a piece of him that I know I will never get back. This whole situation makes me not want to be vulnerable to another man. Break ups are quite unfortunate where, yes they do stimulate growth and it is uncomfortable to change for the better, but it also makes people go on guard when finding new love. 

The only love I am looking for right now is the way to love myself. I have gone through an incredible amount of stress and suffering. I take comfort in knowing that one day the amount of pain I am in will be smaller in due time. I know this will not be easy but it is something, unfortunately, people go through everyday. I am so incredibly blessed and fortunate that I have a great social support system to rely on and I feel so loved by each and one of my family and friends. I know that I need to be kinder to myself. I am doing the best I can and I need to keep reminding myself that I am where I need to be in this point of my life. I am so proud of myself for the resiliency I have and even the effort to get out of bed and do my daily activities. I think being older and having the right mind set and understanding has definitely made this situation not easier, but do-able. I do know some moments of the day where I want to just quit and run back to him or just do nothing at all, I recognize that, and I feel those feelings only because I am human. I will slip, I will make mistakes, I will fall. The important thing is, is that it does not mean the end of the road, it just means I need to keep marching forward and keep going. 

One thing I want to work on is being kinder to myself: my mind and my body. I know I am strong, I have my family, friends and my faith to cope with. From here on, I want to love my life for what it is and not what it could have been. This is my life, my life without my father and my life without my partner. It is not perfect, this situation sucks really bad, but I do take comfort knowing it won't always be like this if I put my mind to it. I attract, I do not chase.