Dull

 "I cannot believe this is my reality," is what I tell myself each morning when I wake up. My dad is always the first thought when I open my eyes. Nothing or no one else. I cannot help myself. No matter how many times I tell myself that my dad is in a better place, I cannot help but be selfish and wished this didn't happen to my family, especially my mother. What's worse about my dad passing is that I can't witness to see him create more memories with my mother. I know my dad wasn't in the best shape in regards to his health, I know it is pretty selfish for me wanting him to live another year or more, just because I cannot handle this pain right now. I know, but I cannot help it. I miss him so damn much. I wished I told him how I was feeling. I wished I told him that I wanted this year to be our year to become closer. What gutted me the most was everyone was telling me how proud he was of me and how he took pride in me. I know he loves my brothers and I equally, but I know I held a special place in his heart. I remember going through his phone and I went through his contact list and I was the only one that was put on his favorite list. I don't know why but seeing this gutted me. Of course my dad was also on my favorites list, but I know how much he wanted to become closer and I was too late to give him that. I think if him and I were closer, I don't know if it would hurt more or if the regret of me not being closer is worse. 

It is so hard to not think about the should haves, would haves and could haves. I think about it at least every hour when I am not distracting myself from pointless TV series/movies. I feel so numb, I don't want anyone to go through this, but unfortunately this is life. I don't know where I see myself with this situation. The light at the end of the tunnel isn't even there for me, nor will I think it WILL ever be there. I feel like I will be stuck in this tunnel and eventually I'll just have a lamp or a candlestick. There is just something about losing your parent when you're in late twenties. My dad hasn't even seen me at my full potential. If only we were true authors of our lives where we can have the decision and control in how our life will be played out. Don't get me wrong, I know we have control in majority aspects in our life, but in death we do not. I also tell myself that this isn't how I wanted my character development to play out.