Reflect

 It has been quite some time since I've blogged. This past couple weeks and the month of April has been hectic for me emotionally and physically.

There were many times I wanted to blog such as when I was taking care of this one patient at my work. He was a pleasantly confused gentleman and was wanting to speak to any of his family members, but because this confusion has been going on quite some time with him, the family members knew not to answer his phone call. He came up to me numerous times saying his son's were going to visit him. In my head I thought, how nice, he has family that will visit him. And then it just made me jealous because I can't visit my own dad anymore. I was robbed the opportunity to visit my dad at my patients age. Finally, I ended up calling one of his sons because I could tell my patient was getting restless. One of the sons picked up the call immediately, despite my patient calling him from his own cellphone. I had told him that his father was trying to get in touch with him, but he said oh it's okay, I know what he's calling about. I asked him if he could speak to him, so he can reassure his father that he is coming, but the son refused to and said "he always does this. It's fine." He then hung up the phone. Immediately when he said no, I felt a pang of remorse coursing through the center of my heart to my extremities. It then turned to bitterness because, I remember sometimes not wanting to pick up my dad's call because I just didn't want to talk or because I knew what he was going to ask for and it would be easier just to get it for him. But now? I regret it. And I was bitter because his son wouldn't give him the time of day. I would give anything to talk to my dad again.

Because I lost my dad, it had opened my eyes to fully see what being lonely and bored was all about because I see my own patients exhibit these symptoms. Most of the time it's them talking your ear off, other times it'll be them constantly talking or bringing up their family. They will also mention how they don't do anything at home or no one checks in on them. Sadly, my dad had all of these, and it wasn't intentional. We just live busy lives and my dad was once part of it, forced to retire because of his comorbidities. I recognize my faults and mistakes, in sometimes being short with my dad. It was only truly then when I lost my dad that I started to truly reflect how he felt. The saying never too late has never been so wrong in this situation.

Its been officially more than 3 months and he turned 63 in heaven on the 22nd of April. My father was a great man, not perfect, but perfect to be my dad.