2M

 I don't know how many times I have asked myself "why?" since my dad's admission to the hospital. 

I ask myself:

- why is this happening to me? to my family?

-why did my dad have to leave at such a young age?

- why does my mum have to move her pillow to the center of the bed now?

- why won't he be at my wedding? to walk me down the aisle.

- why won't he be able to hold his first grandson?

All of these why's and there is always some sort of logical answer my brain comes up with or people who I talk to about this, but NONE of them makes sense to my heart.

My dad was only 62 and given that it is going to be April soon, his birth month, only makes this bitter. I feel like there is no way around this for me to stop these thoughts, no matter how hard I tell myself he is in a better place. It doesn't make sense because he was always a family man, so what better place is to be here than gone? I know he is no longer in pain and is living his true life now, but I feel like the joy and happiness I have has gone with him. I never knew how much his presence impacted me. I never knew how secure in life I felt having him here. Regardless if him and I didn't see eye to eye on many things, he is my dad. He always came to my rescue when I called on him.

He would always tell me things will work out no matter what - just pray. The good thing is I have my faith and I can rely on it to help me cope, but some days I just feel defeated. I read a post on reddit where it feels like I'm just living day by day, until it is my turn to go. Nothing has made sense more in my life than that sentence. The only thing that is keeping me going, fortunately, is my mum. Out of all the people, she has/had it rough. The only way for me to support her is to be strong for her and let her cry out her heart. She came up to me yesterday saying it was officially two months since my dad has been gone. I told her it feels longer than that, like 6 months or so. 

Dear Dad:

Happy 2 months to you. I hope wherever you are, you are pain free and enjoying your new life. I pray everyday for your safety, happiness and peace. I also pray that you pray for us. I miss you so much that words cannot describe the feeling. The hole I have in my heart will never be repaired. I don't think I will be the same person before January 10th - and that's okay. I pray that you continue to watch over us, including mum. She needs you, just as she was here for you in this world, I hope you can help her cope the loss of you. I will never forget you nor stop praying for you and thinking about you. The best I can do for you now is live the life you wanted me to live. I hope I can make you prouder. 

With much love,

your princess, Aisha.