What Now

How do I even begin to describe the pain I'm feeling? Emotional pain sucks because it can turn into physical, but that being said, physical can most definitely turn into emotional as well. 

It feels like someone is gripping my heart really hard and just as when it feels like my heart will not beat anymore, the grip releases and it becomes a never ending cycle. The pressure in my chest weighs heavy and there's nothing that I can do to relieve it. Crying is supposed to be an outlet, yet the more I cry, the heavier it feels.

I was on Reddit: r/GriefSupport and let me tell you, I've never related so much. I thought I was bad for thinking the things I thought. Some thoughts would be, when I'm out grocery shopping and I see older couples, my mind immediately runs to my mum. I think I feel the most upset for my mum, because she'll never experience growing old with my dad. When I take care of older patients in their mid 80's, my mind thinks, my dad should've been at this age too. When people posts photos with their dad, I get jealous not going to lie, because I'll never have the opportunity to do so again.

It's so hard to see the beauty in death, because what I believe, the true life is in the afterlife. No matter how hard I tell myself my dad is in a better place, I can't help think that he should still be here. It's not fair, it truly isn't, but life isn't fair all the time. I also notice myself changing and becoming very distant to people and I don't know why when I should be surrounding myself with people whom I love. 

I often describe this pain as a hole in my heart, body and life. I mean it truly is. My dad was always there for me in my life, he's been so consistent and everything big or small he did made me who I am. 

I miss hearing him guess who is at the door when the person opens and enters. I miss his questions asking if I/we have eaten. I miss seeing him do his daily activities around the house, even though it wasn't much. I miss hearing his snores, I miss feeling the presence of him. My dad had such a presence when you're around him, and there'll never be anyone like him. I feel like my life is so numb that I'm just on autopilot. I feel fake.