GOOD GRIEF

 It has been quite some time since I've blogged. This past couple weeks and the month of April has been hectic for me emotionally and physically. There were many times I wanted to blog such as when I was taking care of this one patient at my work. He was a pleasantly confused gentleman and was wanting to speak to any of his family members, but because this confusion has been going on quite some time with him, the family members knew not to answer his phone call. He came up to me numerous times saying his son's were going to visit him. In my head I thought, how nice, he has family that will visit him. And then it just made me jealous because I can't visit my own dad anymore. I was robbed the opportunity to visit my dad at my patients age. Finally, I ended up calling one of his sons because I could tell my patient was getting restless. One of the sons picked up the call immediately, despite my patient calling him from his own cellphone. I had told him that his father was tryi

 I don't know how many times I have asked myself "why?" since my dad's admission to the hospital.  I ask myself: - why is this happening to me? to my family? -why did my dad have to leave at such a young age? - why does my mum have to move her pillow to the center of the bed now? - why won't he be at my wedding? to walk me down the aisle. - why won't he be able to hold his first grandson? All of these why's and there is always some sort of logical answer my brain comes up with or people who I talk to about this, but NONE of them makes sense to my heart. My dad was only 62 and given that it is going to be April soon, his birth month, only makes this bitter. I feel like there is no way around this for me to stop these thoughts, no matter how hard I tell myself he is in a better place. It doesn't make sense because he was always a family man, so what better place is to be here than gone? I know he is no longer in pain and is living his true life now, but

How do I even begin to describe the pain I'm feeling? Emotional pain sucks because it can turn into physical, but that being said, physical can most definitely turn into emotional as well.  It feels like someone is gripping my heart really hard and just as when it feels like my heart will not beat anymore, the grip releases and it becomes a never ending cycle. The pressure in my chest weighs heavy and there's nothing that I can do to relieve it. Crying is supposed to be an outlet, yet the more I cry, the heavier it feels. I was on Reddit: r/GriefSupport and let me tell you, I've never related so much. I thought I was bad for thinking the things I thought. Some thoughts would be, when I'm out grocery shopping and I see older couples, my mind immediately runs to my mum. I think I feel the most upset for my mum, because she'll never experience growing old with my dad. When I take care of older patients in their mid 80's, my mind thinks, my dad should've been at

You never really know the true meaning of missing someone until you remember the small quirks/actions they did start to affect you. You start to reminisce those times that they did and your heart feels heavy because you will never witness them do those actions again. In my case there are so many things I miss about my dad. He did small things, but never did I imagine those small things would be like daggers to my heart. Anyone reading this blog knows that I am a religious person, my parents raised me to be Catholic. Out of my whole family on my fathers side, we are probably the only family that prays together and goes to church every Sunday together as a family. During mass there is a time to give peace to each other. Whenever I show peace to my dad, he would put the sign of the cross on my brother's and I's foreheads and hug us. When it is time to go up to the front of the church for communion, he would let all of us go in front and he would be behind us. Now, that he is gone,

 "I cannot believe this is my reality," is what I tell myself each morning when I wake up. My dad is always the first thought when I open my eyes. Nothing or no one else. I cannot help myself. No matter how many times I tell myself that my dad is in a better place, I cannot help but be selfish and wished this didn't happen to my family, especially my mother. What's worse about my dad passing is that I can't witness to see him create more memories with my mother. I know my dad wasn't in the best shape in regards to his health, I know it is pretty selfish for me wanting him to live another year or more, just because I cannot handle this pain right now. I know, but I cannot help it. I miss him so damn much. I wished I told him how I was feeling. I wished I told him that I wanted this year to be our year to become closer. What gutted me the most was everyone was telling me how proud he was of me and how he took pride in me. I know he loves my brothers and I equall

It has been four weeks, a month, since my father, Arnold, has passed away. My father didn't pass away from a long-term illness that had an expected timeline. He passed away from his comorbidities and Covid-19. He was hospitalized for 19 days and left this world on January 29th, 2022. Everything happened so fast and slow at the same time, it was a surreal feeling, obviously in a bad way. The panic attacks, anxiety and worries never went away, they just transitioned into a whole new compartment in my brain. From worrying about his daily update in the hospital to worrying about how he is no longer here physically. If you hadn't guessed by now, I am a believer of God, I am a Catholic. My parents instilled faith in my brothers and I. I am so grateful that I still practice my faith by going to church and daily prayers. If I didn't have my faith, I don't know how well I would've coped with this whole situation. Having faith has comforted my family and I in this most diffic